xaosblog

This Christmas vacation has not been the best. 

Which is not to say it’s been particularly bad either; it hasn’t. There have been some nice moments. I did have fun seeing the fam, especially my goofy, adorable, and wonderful little nephews. I have had some good times with friends. My sister’s annual birthday/holiday party was especially nice, and I also had a great time at the bar with a few old friends a couple of nights ago. 

But overall, things at home have just felt *off*, much as they did in the summer. There is less drama now than there was then. But there is still so much tension, even if it is now mostly just under the surface. This Christmas we didn’t drink and play games and laugh the way we usually do. Everything was much more subdued than normal. Things were not joyful and festive in the way they have been in years past. 

Perhaps part of it is that we actually celebrated this year on Christmas Eve (to work around Matt’s family’s schedule). This left Christmas Day completely empty. It would have been a lot nicer, less empty, if Jaron could have made it home. As it was, Colin is at his girlfriend’s, John spent the day hiding out upstairs (as he usually does now), and there has been very little interaction of any sort among the family all day. 

This Christmas is simply so much less than past Christmases have been. 

I’ve also not had the chance to hang out with some friends that I would like to see. A couple of friends have basically blown me off on a couple of different occasions. In some ways, with some people, this is understandable. But it still sucks, and it still has left me stuck at home on some evenings without much to do but wallow in the tension that exists here. 

Home feels less and less like home; I notice it now every time I visit. The last few times I’ve been here, I’ve found myself anxious to return to Miami long before it is time to return. But not long after I get back there, I find myself feeling homesick. Longing for a place that doesn’t quite exist anymore, not really. 

‘You can’t go home again’, they say. I guess that becomes true for us all, sooner or later.